Captain Bubsy s Drunk as Shit Again and Heavily Armed With Puns

Bubsy Collection - JonTron

[Text in brackets = actions or text spoken and shown on screen or text just shown on screen]

[The NormalBoots logo appears earlier being replaced by the JonTron logo in front of metal doors; the doors then open to reveal Jacques, who is calling Jon]

['Hit 'Em Up' by 2Pac plays as Jon'south ringtone; Jon answers the telephone call]

Jon: Howdy?

Jacques: Jon, where are yous?

Jon:Putting this episode off.

Jacques:Yous need to stack upward and come review this game.

Jon:Just I'g not hiding, though.

Jacques: Is Jacques gonna have to choke a bitch?

[Jon looks at a rock]

Jon:I think he bought information technology, Rockington.

[Camera cuts to Rockington, who has had a face up drawn on him]

[Jacques teleports Jon to his house]

[Jon is shocked and tries to pretend he was reviewing a game]

Jon: Wh-wha-what?! No, I was reviewing a game the whole fourth dimension, look! [He laughs nervously and fumbles for a PlayStation three box and puts information technology in the SNES while Jacques' optics glow ruby-red] Jacques, that doesn't become in there, you airheaded bowwow! [laughs, then frowns] Oh... [He takes the box out] You're right...

[Cut to Jon at his desk-bound]

Jon: You're correct, Jacques. This has to exist done...

[Cut to Jon taking the Bubsy cartridge off the shelf]

Jon off photographic camera: Bubsy.

Jon (VO): Bubsy was a bobcat toon. [I guess...]

Jon (VO): The video game company Accolade tried to button him as their mascot of sorts. You know, someone to rival the likes of Mario and Sonic. Y'all did a skilful job here, guys!

Jon (VO): Information technology's a cat... and you put him in a shirt-- bam. [It's Bubsy!]

Jon away from microphone: I quit!

[Jon holds the first Bubsy game cartridge in his hand]

Jon: Bubsy: Claws Encounters of the Furrred Kind. How could I neglect? I don't-- I don't meet how I could neglect!

Jon putting the cartridge in: Ahhh, geez, I really don't wanna do this, but-- ah, yous know. Contracts and the sort.

[The championship screen flashes on the Boob tube, first from the camera's point of view, then it cuts to recorded footage of the game. The screen and so goes blank and cuts to the title of the offset chapter: Cheese Wheels of Doom]

Bubsy in-game: What could maybe become wrong?

Jon (VO): I dunno. You're pretty safety with the Affiliate i called Cheese Wheels of Doom.

[The photographic camera zooms in on the text, so cuts to the level]

Jon (VO): So I'one thousand willing to wager that [everything could become wrong!]

Jon (VO): The first thing you'll notice is that this game is something I similar to telephone call a ['float game.'] As in everything'southward floaty! Fifty-fifty Bubsy. In fact, that's one of his main moves! I find it curious that they designed a bobcat that has 2 abilities: leap, and [float?...] What kinda- what kinda character design is this? Information technology'd exist cool if he was like, you know, a flying squirrel or a bat fifty-fifty. And so I'd have reason to feel justified in gliding! [???] I hateful, when was the last time y'all were hiking and a freaking bobcat just came floating by? [It di- Information technology DIDN'T HAPPEN. 'Due south CUZ It CAN'T HAPPEN!]

Jon (VO): I know some of you lot might call that nitpicking, but look how stupid it looks! It's a pants-less true cat with a white exclamation T-shirt, fffucking floating around like Mary Poppins in a hurricane!

Jon (VO): The background is really disorienting. But watch. When you jump upwardly high, information technology just sort of stays put and all the platforms around you completely vanish, and information technology gives you a pretty poor idea of where y'all reside spatially. Also, every single button jumps!

[Footage is shown of Jon pressing a button on the controller repeatedly]

Jon (VO, slurred): That's a pretty proficient allocation of your buttons...

[Jon sees a gumball machine; its appearance is reminiscent of the salvage points in Sonic the Hedgehog]

Jon (VO): Oh, is that a save signal? Let's get check it out.

[Bubsy shatters into pieces when he touches the 'save point'.]

Jon: Am I stupid? I actually thought that was a salve point.

Jon (VO): Like, seriously! Doesn't that await similar a midway save bespeak to you? [footage is shown of salvage points from Super Mario World and Sonic the Hedgehog] Oh, whatsoever, you're right. I forgot. Gumball machines are the cause of [200k deaths a year.] ['This is... information technology's serious...'] [— Guy who got Blueish Gumball]

Jon (VO): Everything is just really shoddy, th-the striking detection is weird, the jumps are difficult to make, and what-- wh- what- what killed me hither?

[Replay of Bubsy dying]

Jon (VO): I mean, as you tin can encounter, there is a behemothic space in between me and Steve Martin Jr. here, now, okay, whatever.

Jon (VO): It feels similar they wanted to make something like Sonic the Hedgehog hither, just the levels are built like it'south Mario. He'due south got some sort of ice momentum going on here. If you get-go running, he'll build up ridiculous speed, but since you die in 1 hit , your adventure is bound to cease in seconds. Information technology's similar they didn't desire you to take fun with this game, they wanted y'all to feel like a four-year-former who just ran out into the ice rink wearin' frickin' frictionless feet!

[Photoshopped male child model doing a walking animation over an image of an ice rink]

[Bubsy does a flip before falling to the ground and wobbling a bit]

Jon (VO): Oh, wh-what's going on here, Bubsy, yous feeling alright? [Bubsy melts and the camera zooms in on him] [I... MELTED?]

[Replay of Bubsy falling and melting that plays twice]

Jon (VO): Was that... was that falling damage? They put falling impairment in their motherfucking 2d platform game?!

[JONTRON QUITS]

{Song: 'Call On Me' by Eric Prydz}

Jon (VO): It's optional, but you can take these culling paths that spice upwardly the gameplay a chip. Then let's come across where this one takes us.

[The 'path' takes Bubsy right back to the beginning.]

[A shot of Jon awkwardly smiling plays; a lollipop with the word 'SUCKER' fades in over his face]

Jon (VO): What? Information technology took me to the beginning of the level. Who cares? I don't care! I don't e-- [I DON'T Even CARE!]

[I care immensely.]

Jon (VO): This game wouldn't even exist so bad if they slowed down the stride a flake and zoomed the screen out! Everything's too close-upwards! Before you know it, you get pelted with something yous didn't even accept a hazard to react to.

[Another replay of Bubsy dying plays]

Jon (VO): You never know what to wait next! You lot just gotta kind of carefully inch forth to beat this game, and hey, that's just no fun.

[Bubsy falls from a higher height and is flattened by the bear on]

Jon (VO): Nope! No, await, [replay again] thursday- nope, there- there IS falling harm in this game, I'm not crazy. You- y'all tin can't put falling impairment in a freaking platformer! That's like putting Sk- gravy... on Skittles.

[Pictures of gravy and Skittles appear]

Jon (VO): Alright, near done with this level, just gotta... get a lit-da- [Bubsy jumps in a machine and dies; replays follow] oh... ah... oh?

Jon: Jumping - in a machine- killed me. No, information technology's, uh, no- actually-- [to the tune of Deck the Halls] 🎵That'south the way we wash our hands!🎵 [slams controller down and gets upward] 🎵FA LA LA LA LAAA LA LAA LAA LA!🎵

[Cut to Jon sitting on his bed looking at the SNES]

Jon: I'll take your hit, Bubsy. I see what you're saying to me. Don't you worry, nosotros're on the aforementioned level. [takes the cartridge out and throws information technology beyond the room] Jesus.

Jon: Let'southward attempt Bubsy ii. Maybe this i's a picayune ameliorate. What could possibly go wrong? [grabs the cartridge and holds it lcose and away from the camera intermittently] Yeah! Bubsy ii! Bubsy 3! Bubsy fuckin' 2!

[Cut to the opening championship with Bubsy'southward theme while Bubsy changes the word "Personality" to "Purrsonality".]

Jon (VO): Oh, don't expect those amazing puns to finish anytime soon. If annihilation, it speeds up from here.

Bubsy in game: Think! I am a trained purrfessionall!

[Cuts to the championship screen, it then cuts to Jon looking at the camera and the goggle box very confused.]

Jon (VO): I'grand non exactly sure what is happening hither on the intro screen but I do know that Bubsy turns around and is like "What the fuck iiiiiiiiiis this shit?!".

Bubsy in game: I like it!

Jon (VO): Obviously though, he likes it.

[Cuts to the game mode select screen.]

Jon (VO): And so I can cull betwixt 1 player, grand bout(whatever that is) and play for points. Yeah! Play for points! Gotta get that gamer score up and post it to SNES live yo!

(Yo! GATORADE ME Bitch.)

[Cuts to the opening level]

Jon (VO): Uhhh. Was the catastrophe of Bubsy 1 that fantastical?? Did some plot development end up causing the Bubsy Universe to become a 1994 esque dystopian hereafter? Well, clearly one matter's for certain. I gotta selection from Westward Fly or East Wing! Nevermind Bubsy one and Bubsy two over here, yous know, WHOEVER THEY ARE.

Jon (VO): So what appears is Bubsy is in some weird identify where he'south gotta go to all these places where he's gotta beat all these levels- d- don't worry it's all explained perfectly.

Jon (VO): Well at least this fourth dimension around we take more buttons to work with. You lot can jump, glide and utilise an item. Now by far the best feature in this game is whenever Bubsy dies, he'll say the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life!

Bubsy in game: I'll be back!

Bubsy in game: Ah, nuts!

Bubsy in game: Oooh!

Bubsy in game: Proceed it up, just continue information technology up!

Jon (VO): He'll brand some quote from a famous film or something. Although dissimilar to the likes of Duke Nukem, when Bubsy makes these references, it's non in theory, it'south but annoying.

Bubsy in game: Is the record strike over yet?

Jon (VO): Apparently not, Bubsy, obviously not.

Jon (VO): Wow, they should have chosen this game Drugsy! (laughs) [Becauhs uhmean wow], looks like it's on drugs. What's going on in this picture? It's like some Salvador Dali shit. You got pig statues, and bouncing pigs, and grunter lady, what is this, what, is it [Hog Globe?] Oh okay, it'south- it's Hamalot. ['Due south H-- It'south Ha-- Iss Hamalot...]

Jon (VO): Good one, Bubsy. Hey, wanna be a cast member on Sabbatum-purr-day Night Live? I know yous'll make the MEOWST OF Information technology! [All of a sudden distant] I'm leavin' ya, Bubsy!

Jon (VO): It's just like they drew up about two hundred assets and dump them all into this globe with no cohesiveness whatsoever! I hateful, I estimate it seems like they're actually trying here, but my God, it'south a clusterfuck to the optics! I-I can't play this, information technology'south like a fever dream!

Jon (VO): Why is he doing that? Why is uh.. Wh- Why is he doing that for? What is the rea- What is the reason for this?

Jon (VO): Information technology'southward hard to explain, but y'all don't get the same kind of environmental feedback like you would in Donkey Kong. Bubsy doesn't take much weight or experience like he'due south actually in that location, and then it'southward difficult to play and control. You lot'd have to exist actually young to go whatever enjoyment out of this. I mean, Bubsy 2 is marginally better than Bubsy i, simply information technology's honestly only because of a better art design.

Jon (VO): Okay, this whole situation'due south starting to make me vomit my rima oris likewise flake, so let'south graduate to our terminal terminate on this... journey.

Jon: Yous don't want this. You retrieve you want this now, but trust me, you don't want this.

Jon (VO): Bubsy 3D for the PlayStation i.

Jon (VO): Apparently, it's winner of the Gold X Award. "1 of the sleeper hits a '96". Yeah, quote from the guy who made Bubsy 3D.

Jon (VO): "Run, leap, swim, and fly anywhere"! "Get your paws on a mess of atoms for extra lives"? Okay, hold the phone, having 1-Ups in your game is non a selling point, let lone a bullet on the back of the box! I hateful you can just tell they were really stretching to say even 1 expert thing nigh this game. "Play 'Cat and Mouse' in a unique two-role player mode"! Aye, okay.

Jon (VO): Just hey, this games from the good old days where the game transmission is really the cover of the gem-case. And by "proficient sometime days", I mean, good Lord, is it hard to become this matter out! It's got these ii little bumps here that proceed it from slipping out and four pins holding information technology in place. There's really no easy style to get information technology out. Non similar y'all're gonna need instructions on how to play Bubsy 3D, an educational activity transmission on better game selection might be more useful to yous at this point.

Jon: I don't desire to practise this, I'g just letting you know... that this is a baaaaaad idea!

Jon: What could possibly go incorrect?

Jon (VO): Whoa, hey, woah now, I think we know where all the budget went.

Jon (VO): Then as it would seem, the bad guys in Bubsy 3D are the sneezing enemies from the outset game, and like, Hell, that's actually what they went with, every bit if they were similar "[NOPE], they were the first enemies in the start i! [THASSIT]. The-They take to be the master enemy, nosotros can't come up with annihilation better than this, than fuckin' THIS!".

Jon (VO): Dude, parallel universe Shigeru Miyamoto's like "[Uhhhh, da goombas] st- are the first enemies seen the first game. Wh- [That'due south it]. [Principal villain]". five STARS! A+! four STARS!

Jon (VO): Man, if these are the cutscene graphics, I don't know that I want to encounter the existent game.

Jon (VO): Bubsy is 3D in Furbitten Planet, [because talent].

Jon (VO): Well, at that place you lot have it, Bubsy 3D! At present this is truly fine art right here. Yeah, you lot are lookin' at fine art. Where exercise nosotros even brainstorm with this?

Jon (VO): Bubsy 3D's controls can't fifty-fifty be categorized as bad, they're closer to unfinished. Information technology's nonsensical how yous move in this game and it goes beyond every gaming convention.

Jon (VO): It's hard to explain, simply you tin't run around freely like in Mario 64, you can merely go direct frontwards and directly back. To turn, you literally accept to movement your trajectory left and right and and so get forrard when you lot got the direction y'all want to go. In plough, this makes Bubsy 3D experience more like a freakin' strategy game than a platformer. And, oh, don't you forget, this game wants you to know that this is the truthful essence of a platformer.

Bubsy in game: Now, what would a platform game be without platforms? Hmm...

Jon (VO): Now, if you would merely take a nice look at these, uh, platforms, yep, that certain is a platform alright. A not colored, non-polygonal, non-textured platform. Bubsy 3D! ["LITERALLY A PLATFORMER"]!

Jon (VO): Oh, God! OH, GOD!! Who looked at this and thought it was okay?! This is what the Alpha Version 0.0.one of a game should look like, non the finished production!

Jon (VO): Now it is truthful that Mario 64 revolutionized 3D platformers and changed the way we expect them to office, only Mario 64 came out on June 23rd 1996, whereas this game came out October 31st 1996. That's near three months later. And if you're blaming the PlayStation 1'due south 32-bit limitations, merely accept a await at Crash Bandicoot, still before Bubsy 3D on August 31st 1996!

Jon (VO): So let's talk virtually jumping. When y'all jump, and this is every time yous leap, for some reason, the camera pans down at the ground, I suppose to help you see where you're gonna state, just afterward a while, it just kind of gets nauseating and obstructs your view. There were just then many poor design choices here that it's impossible to count them all off the pinnacle of my head. And, oh, don't lose any sleep, Bubsy still says things. Oh, does he e'er notwithstanding say things.

Bubsy in game: Oh look, an arrow, aren't these game designers wonderful?

Jon (VO): And how truly ironic! A game developer's task in most cases is to create a living world that ceases to exist false in the heed of the player, I hateful think about it. Even if the game constantly breaks the fourth wall similar in Duke Nukem or Monkey Isle, the earth is nonetheless believable. Your suspension of belief kicks in and your mind allows y'all to meld with game environment as if you were really there! When a game similar Bubsy 3D makes self-referencial humor, i-i-it just seems foolish. Having the designers of this game refer to themselves as designers, ugh, somethin' just feels wrong about it. [GAAAME THEORY TIIIIIME]! The more you know.

Jon (VO): I mean expect at the walls and the ground, it's about as bones equally you can get for polygonal game. Bubsy himself is the best looking model in the game, and even he has just like five frames per animation. I suppose what your goal in this game is is to find the 32 missing pieces of your escape rocket or something. There'south 16 levels in this game, so I suppose that would be 2 rocket pieces per level?

Jon (VO): The game actually comes with a footling map of the first three levels. Ah! From way up here, it looks like Sonic 3D Nail, about makes y'all feel a little bad. Someone put their heart and soul into this game, and maybe it was really the all-time they could do. I mean, they even named different areas and gave the levels clever little names like "Claws for Alert" and "Clawstrophobic" and "Catatomic Catastrophe".

Jon: Did I just say I felt bad? Let me rephrase that. I feel bad for me.

Jon (VO): Y'all think I'1000 skipping you lot here or somethin'? No. This is all there is to show. In that location'southward nothing more than, yous simply walk around this place and grab atoms. [That'due south]... [it]! And it's hard to even grab them, the hit detection is so precise. I mean, if you tin can't even get the coins in your game right, I mean, you want information technology to be gratifying, you desire to be similar "[YEAAAAAAAAHHH CUOINS!]" (coughs) You don't desire information technology to be like "Um, hi, yes, I- um, oh, excuse me, lamentable, I just, uh, trying to grab that coin... Jeff Goldblum". [Jeff Bubsbloom]

Jon (VO): Wait, wh-... What?! Turns out, if you lot leave your controller idle for as well long, Bubsy starts messing around your Tv set settings.

Jon: No, look! Seriously, await! That's information technology, that's the best thing... That'due south the best affair in the whole game, he just- he'south fuckin' with my Television set. [Adept.]

Jon (VO): I think yous know, admit information technology or non, yous only have to know that you failed at making your game when the player has a hard fourth dimension walking from signal A to point B. At present, no distractions, no obstacles, just walking in a direct line. Sentry the fuck out, citizens of Bubsyland. Helm Bubsy is boozer as shit again and heavily armed with puns!

Jon: You know, Jacques, we didn't take to do all that, play all those games, you know, uh- Rockington agrees with me, okay? You tin exist a bit of a, yous know, a Blazon A personality sometimes, and... I don'- I don't care, I'one thousand gon- I'1000 gonna say it, I'm gonna speak the truth. I DIDN'T Hateful Information technology!!

['Bad Twenty-four hours' by Daniel Powter plays]

[Jon doesn't know how to finish videos]

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